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polyweekly
23 August 2011 @ 05:36 pm

What is “passive-aggressive” behavior and what is it good for?

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:30 Topic: What does it mean to be “passive-aggressive”?

Wikipedia gives the limited clinical definition, but Cecil Adams of the Straight Dope has a far more relative (yet researched) take. My own technical definition? “Any behavior in which you feel a strong negative emotion but instead of communicating it directly, you act weird instead.” This manifests in most of us at some point, and it’s incredibly annoying, useless and ultimately ineffective. Let’s just not do it, shall we?

16:00 Feedback

  • Brian likes episode on introverts, noting it’s nice to be understood in a primarily extroverted culture

18:20 Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here or discuss your own topics at the forums. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Originally published at Polyamory Weekly. Please leave any comments there.

 
 
 
polyweekly
15 August 2011 @ 03:44 pm

Building a poly community – thoughts from Polycamp Vancouver Island

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

3:30 Topic: Live from the Pillow Palace

Live from the Pillow Palace at PolyCamp Vancouver Island, a nine-day camping event within a caring and giving community. Pierce, Quentin, Cora, Kiki and Scott talk about sex education vegetables, Kiki’s new head shaving and the birth of the poly community in Vancouver.

25:45 Feedback

Anne brings up and defines the “Joey Potter effect.” The Joey Potter = a person trying to live monogamously while romantically attracted to more than one person. The JPE involves frequent breakups with one love interest to date another, relationship sabotage and overanalysis of one’s own motivations.

28:00 Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here or discuss your own topics at the forums. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Originally published at Polyamory Weekly. Please leave any comments there.

 
 
 
polyweekly
09 August 2011 @ 12:52 am

Journal of Polycamp Vancouver Island

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

2:00 Announcements

  • Headed to Burning Man? Visit Poly Asylum, home of poly-friendly parties and a host of poly relationship sessions and advice.
  • Suspended Animation – a must-visit camp for bondage suspension at the burn
  • Thanks again to Joseph for the tickets to the burn! And for setting me up for a slot at BMIR radio on Thursday at 4:00 PM

4:30 Miss Poly Manners: Milestones

Advice on acknowledging relationship milestones within a poly setting. Recommended reading: The Five Love Languages and The Five Love Languages for Singles by Dr. Gary Chapman.

10:00 Topic: Naked at PolyCamp Vancouver Island

Audio journals live from PolyCamp Vancouver Island, a nine-day camping event within a caring and giving community. Thanks to Kiki and Zoe for giving me the chance to experience this!

24:00 Feedback

Paul asks about managing mono-poly relationships.

27:00 Thanks

Thanks to Niko for the generous donation!

Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here or discuss your own topics at the forums. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Originally published at Polyamory Weekly. Please leave any comments there.

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polyweekly
17 July 2011 @ 05:25 pm

What do you think of Dan Savage’s NYT article on non-monogamy?

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

2:45 Book review

PW book reviewer Kurt review’s Kathy Labriola’s Love in Abudance, a Counselor’s Guide to Opening Relationships The book deals with poly effects on current relationships, including dealing with demotion, displacement and intrusion.

8:20 Poly movie review: La Belle Epoque

PW film reviewer Joreth reviews the 1992 Spanish poly-ish film, la Belle Epoque.

15:30 Topic: Dan Savage’s take on infidelity

Discussing the huge, seven-page article in the New York Times exploring Dan Savage’s take on infidelity and the role it plays in keeping monogamous relationships together.

32:45 Feedback

  • John from Lacy responds to 276, “Okay” is a four-letter word, claiming responsibility for communication falls on all parties
  • Emily calls in from a smallish Midwestern college town and asks about Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell in her relationship. If she isn’t comfortable with it, what should she do?

Josh calls in to muse on the question of why we get married to begin with. What is your reason?

45:15 Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here or discuss your own topics at the forums. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Originally published at Polyamory Weekly. Please leave any comments there.

 
 
 
polyweekly
11 July 2011 @ 11:57 pm

Raven Kaldera answers your questions about being poly in a D/s relationship

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

2:20 Raven Kaldera answers your poly BDSM questions!

Raven Kaldera, author of Polyamory and Power Circuits, shares some wisdom on polyamory in the world of BDSM and power dynamics.

  • 3:00 QuotidianLight: How to structure a relationship where a fem sub has her own fem sub. “Do I ask your daddy?” Who is in charge of whom?
  • 6:55 Nellodee: How to make a long-distance, poly D/s relationship work?
  • 10:45 DocErotiq: How to handle being a sub to your primary but Dom to everyone else. They have an owned and collared sub, and he bottoms to her. Also, how to be a Dom as a parent who is a switch and subs to Mom.
  • 16:10 AdeleLoves: How can a couple where one person is into D/s and the other isn’t make it work?

23:15 Feedback

  • Regarding Am I jealous? Episode 277 comments on religious tolerance – a bit of a rant proclaiming no religious tolerance until the religion tolerates different orientations
  • Josh on episode 221 on the This American Life episode on infidelity

Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here or discuss your own topics at the forums. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Originally published at Polyamory Weekly. Please leave any comments there.

 
 
 
polyweekly
04 July 2011 @ 07:26 pm

Raven Kaldera, author of Polyamory and Power CircuitsRaven Kaldera talks about polyamory in a power dynamice–and targets common misakes

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:40 Interview: Raven Kaldera on Polyamory and BDSM

Raven Kaldera, author of Polyamory and Power Circuits, shares some wisdom on polyamory in the world of BDSM and power dynamics.

  • Why do we need a poly book exclusively about power dynamics and D/s?
  • Why we should not take lessons from porn
  • The power of months of negotiation
  • Common myth: the BBM (Big Bad Master) has to make all the relationship decisions and simply instruct his slaves how to behave
  • Best advice: force your slaves to talk to each other to deal with conflict
  • Jealousy with owned slave versus part-time sub
  • Dealing with egalitarian partners; addressing Shiny New Lover syndrome with a current/egalitarian partner

32:00 Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here or discuss your own topics at the forums. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Originally published at Polyamory Weekly. Please leave any comments there.

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polyweekly
27 June 2011 @ 11:41 pm

Is sexting cheating?

Joys of sexting and the pyramid of cheating–is sexting cheating to you?

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

2:00 Announcements

  • Need to check out your date’s background? There’s an app for that: http://www.intelius.com/mobile For date check; “sleaze detector” (criminal records), property ownership, compatibility, interests (social networks) and living situation
  • New UK poly resource, Polytical, and a page with all the poly events in the UK

4:05 Topic: Joy of sexting and the pyramid of cheating

After Weiner’s explicit sexting dilemma, the question is out: is sexting cheating? Whether you’re poly, mono or something within the Venn diagram, consider where YOU draw the line of cheating. And where does the line between fantasy and reality come with online interaction and real-life flirting? How is sexting different from chatting with friends on multi-player online games?

  • fantasizing about movie stars, people you know
  • watching porn
  • web cam girls
  • phone sex line
  • flirting at a bar
  • flirting via text
  • chatting on IM
  • sexting
  • sending racy pix
  • deep emotional conversation – in same city or not
  • meeting the person IRL
  • kink
  • seeing a pro dom
  • surfing pix on kink or porn sites without chatting
  • what about surfing FetLife

24:00 Feedback


MidnightCreate offers feedback on episode 275 on introverts vs. extroverts: a book called The Shyness Solution by Catherine Gillet, L.C.S.W.

Thanks

Thanks to Johnathan and John for their donations. And super-duper-wooper thanks to Joseph for the wonderful gift of tickets to Burning Man!

Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here or discuss your own topics at the forums. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Originally published at Polyamory Weekly. Please leave any comments there.

 
 
 
polyweekly
14 June 2011 @ 10:18 am

Talking jealousy and the power of courage with Franklin Veaux

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

Host Chat

Musings on the ShibariCon experience and how it was the best con ever.

9:30 Topic: Jealousy and Heinlein

Tacit, host of the Xeromag poly site, discusses Heinlein and jealousy; don’t confuse the trigger for the root; expressing your needs, even when a new person comes along

  • life rewards people who move in the direction of greatest courage; the rewards of a husband reaching out and talking to the wife’s new lover, who was succesfully exploring kink with her
  • his new book, More Than Two, his LiveJournal is a Tacit, and his mega poly site is at Xeromag poly site; the book’s focus is on practical tools to make relationships work on a daily basis
  • comments on NRE–he thinks it keeps you from getting to the good stuff and knowing who the person really is; a shared life
  • Franklin long-distance relationships; his polysaturation point for non-LDR’s (three); and LDR’s requiring deliberate time versus volume of mundane time; minx comments on needing a poly sugardaddy to support her LDR habits; knowing where your boundaries are with discussing sex
  • having a lover/main partner who takes it upon herself (is “proactive”) to ask about and discuss his relationships with new partners instead of waiting for him to tell her what is going on; optimism for love

38:00 Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here or discuss your own topics at the forums. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Originally published at Polyamory Weekly. Please leave any comments there.

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polyweekly
06 June 2011 @ 10:51 am

Violet Blue's Total Flirt iPhone app

“Okay” and “fine” are four-letter words–ban them from your relationship

vocabulary!

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Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:40 App review: Violet Blue’s Total Flirt

Review of Violet Blue’s fun new wingman iPhone app, Total Flirt.

2:50 Book review: Open All the Way

Open All the Way by Sexy Sadie

Kurt provides his review of Sadie Smythe’s book, Open All the Way, on her and her husband’s experiences with opening up the marriage, both in theory and in practice. They deal with jealousy, breakups and NRE and share the value and benefits of multiple loves. Kurt also shares their musings on the pervasive power of monogamy.

7:15 Topic: “Okay” is a four-letter word

And our topic today is a rebroadcast from July 2008 and relevant for everyone whether you’re poly, monogamous, curious or confused. Get ready for a vintage rants!

  • “OK” “fine” are both evil because it doesn’t provide information; instead it begs many questions.
  • If you are asking a new person out and you have a current partner, you will need to expect them to meet.
  • How tough it is for secondaries ending up mixing it up with somebody or both people from a couple and the challenges that go with that
  • Your new relationships need some TLC as well.
  • Some advice for the metamour.  Don’t use the word “OK.”  Say something like “I really enjoy watching Steve doing X” as one example. In conclusion, don’t use “OK”!

19:00 Feedback

  • Tina calls in to share thoughts that poly is reaching critical mass and easier to find; on having difficulty finding the POV of young poly folks (versus older and settling down); and on STI information and episodes
  • 28:15 Josh calls in about bisexuality—what do you think?

29:05 Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here or discuss your own topics at the forums. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Originally published at Polyamory Weekly. Please leave any comments there.

 
 
 
polyweekly
01 June 2011 @ 05:26 am

Living as and loving introverts

The care and feeding of introverts–and what it means to be one or have one as a partner or metamour

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Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

2:20 Poly Movie Review: Carrington

The PW Movie Reviewer Joreth gives a review of the 1995 movie Carrington. For more poly and poly-ish movie reviews, visit her movie review page.

8:15 Topic: Introverts vs. Extroverts

Our topic today is a rebroadcast from July 2007 and one of my favorite show topics–the care and feeding of introverts and how to both be one and deal with one in your poly relationship.

This article by Jonathan Rauch on the care and feeding of introverts was the subject of much discussion when I posted it here and to my own blog (the comments are a great discussion)

  • introverts can be seen as aloof or snobby
  • Rauch clarifies that introverts simply find other people tiring and suggests that introverts find a way to state that in social settings
  • even extroverts need time to recharge
  • Aiyume mentions on the Myers-Briggs scale
  • observations on introverts from the Poly 101 session on Poly for the Introvert in Austin, Texas
  • SweetAinsley comments that introverts and extroverts view conversations differently–extroverts focus more on flow and dislike pauses; introverts seek out pauses and don’t talk just to fill space
  • Badmagic comments that extroverts don’t necessarily “draw energy from other people” while introverts don’t, but rather it’s a spectrum of how much recharge time folks need; he suggests that introverts try just listening, but be warned people might overshare

Karen comments that introversion makes trying to find a job really difficult

27:40 Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here or discuss your own topics at the forums. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Originally published at Polyamory Weekly. Please leave any comments there.

 
 
 
polyweekly

Slides from my intro to congoing and con conversation class at ShibariCon. Thanks to everyone who participated!

Originally published at Polyamory Weekly. Please leave any comments there.

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polyweekly
23 May 2011 @ 03:39 pm

Listener W writes in to ask: am I jealous, or is this situation unfair?

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Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:20 Topic: Am I jealous?

Wendy writes in to ask advice from the cohost team: am I jealous? She gets a certain number of hours a week with her top, and compares that to the number of hours his wife enjoys with him. She relays anecdotes of her top engaging in sex with another bottom, which was beyond the scope of their agreement, and with his wife, which was beyond her expectations. She relays a situation in which she watched the children for his and his wife’s anniversary trip, but her own collaring anniversary went unnoticed.

Is she jealous and how should she cope? Cohosts Joreth, Pepper and Franklin share insights and give advice, including making a list of the things she needs to feel secure in a relationship and how she would like for commitment to be shown.

20:40 Announcements

Poly in Pictures blog on jealousy – for a little jealousy humor

21:40 Feedback

  • Musqrat comments on the Sister Wives commentary from episode 266, comparing to a sort of institutionalized D/s situation
  • A caller who believes in religious polygyny makes a call for tolerance
  • DDog calls in to appreciate the term “anchors” from episode 260

35:40 Thanks to Earl and John for their donations

Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here or discuss your own topics at the forums. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Originally published at Polyamory Weekly. Please leave any comments there.

 
 
 
polyweekly

How kinky are we, really?

What is mainstream and what is sexually deviant? Turns out, there’s no such thing as sexual deviance

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1:00 Introduction and host chat

6:00 Topic: You’re not as kinky as you think

Musings over the findings of a massive internet sex survey made into a book, “A Billion Wicked Thoughts,” by Sai Gaddam. Interesting findings include:

  • Gay and straight men alike favor chests, butts and feet, in that order
  • The top 10 sex searches cover youth, gay, MILFs (go MILFs!), breasts and cheating wives.
  • Men fantasize a lot about group sex.
  • Straight men prefer amateur porn to highly-produced porn (score one for real boobs and brown hair!)
  • Dominance and submission are extremely common searches, not terribly deviant
  • Foot fetishes are common across all cultures
  • “There’s no such thing as sexual deviance.”

17:55 Feedback

David, 60, shares his experiences organizing and running KanPoly, a Kansas-area discussion and social poly group

    19:50 Wrap-up

    Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here or discuss your own topics at the forums. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

    Originally published at Polyamory Weekly. Please leave any comments there.

     
     
     
    polyweekly

    Did you ever wonder about all the things the poly-identified must deal with that the monogamous don’t? Cory and Kate did. And Cory made a list!

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    Introduction and host chat

    Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter or Facebook, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

    Topic: Monogamous Privilege

    Cory and Kate on the aggregated content: list of privileges that the monogamous-identified often take for granted. Roughly grouped by these themes:

    • Poly configurations are not represented in mainstream and therefore considered other
    • Monogamy is not considered a choice but poly is
    • People make assumptions regarding sexuality or abuse and anyone identifying as poly is asked to represent the entire group socially
    • Monogamy had inferred support for children and family

    The East Portland blog’s post on Cory’s monogamous privilege checklist.

    Feedback

    Wrap-up

    Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

    Originally published at Polyamory Weekly. Please leave any comments there.

     
     
     
    polyweekly
    02 May 2011 @ 04:53 pm

    The secondary blues

    From listener Amy: how do you deal with being a secondary when you long for primary benefits?

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    Introduction and host chat

    Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter or Facebook, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

    Announcements

    Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

    Book review: Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

    • Kurt reviews poly themes and relationships in the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series

    Advice from the crew: what if you’re secondary but don’t want to be?

    What if you long to be a live-in primary, but metamours or partners are putting on the brakes? Cohosts Franklin Veaux, Joreth and Pepper give advice to listener Amy.

    Thank you

    Frances, Paul and Tofa for donations! You rock my world and help cover bandwidth and travel expenses.

    Wrap-up

    Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

    Originally published at Polyamory Weekly. Please leave any comments there.

     
     
     
    polyweekly
    25 April 2011 @ 12:02 am

    The state of poly in the media in 2011: a chat with Alan, content curator extraordinaire of the Poly in the Media blog

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    Introduction and host chat

    Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter or Facebook, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

    Announcements

    Interview: Alan of Poly in the Media

    At Atlanta Poly Weekend, a chat with Alan of the Poly in the Media blog. Alan covers the significant stories of the last five years, trends in current reporting on poly, and the newest poly books.

    Wrap-up

    Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

    Originally published at Polyamory Weekly. Please leave any comments there.

     
     
     
    polyweekly
    19 April 2011 @ 10:50 pm

    If you’ve attending my Poly and Single: Poly Dating 101 class, you know I’m a big fan of writing one’s own personal user manual. During the class, I only refer to the manual without enumerating the specifics. To make it easier to write your own, I’ve provided mine below to use as a model for your very own. Go ahead; start writing now. It’ll be fun!

    Part A
    Family Background/History

    (explain some your quirks)

    • I’m a middle child, like Lisa Simpson. Classic brainy overachiever with straight A’s all through high school and college.
    • My family wasn’t terribly communicative with each other, which is one of the reasons I obsess about communication now. We are not a close family. No animosity, just not close. That is what no communication did to us.
    • I’m independent. In my family we each sort of went our own ways and did our own thing, so I had to learn independence early. I learned that if I didn’t do something for myself, it wouldn’t happen. Birthday parties? I planned my own, every single one, since I was old enough to figure out how. I made the invitations, decorations, everything. Not because I wanted to but because if I didn’t, there would be no party. One time a boyfriend planned a surprise party for me, and it is still one of the coolest things anyone has ever done for me. I take a great deal of pride in being capable and self-reliant, but, like most strong women, I secretly long being taken care of, just a little.
    • I have abandonment issues. I’m aware of them and keep them in check, but I suspect they will always be there. On the rare occasions when I misbehaved, my parents would just leave me wherever I was and just go home. I won’t bore you with all the stories; there are too many, and it gets kinda old. Here’s one; that’s all you get: once, my younger brother and I were four minutes late to be picked up from hanging out at the mall (yeah, it was the 80′s; this is what we did!). My parents immediately left the mall, drove home and read the paper until I called my neighbors to pick us up, panicking that something had happened to my parents. My brother and I had waited for them for over three hours (yes, this was long before the days of cell phones, and we were too young to figure out what to do). My brother and I were scared and worried; my parents shrugged it off and blamed us for getting so upset.
    • Again, I didn’t have a close family, and I tend to be kind of awed by people who have good relationships with their relatives. I think that is why I like the idea of polyamory–my family of birth isn’t going to suddenly be all lovey dovey and supportive, so wouldn’t it be cool if I could have a family of choice that was, just so I could have that experience? That would be nifty.

    Part B: How to turn me on Emotionally

    • Be there when I call at least some of the time. Even better, call me every now and then. If we’re in a committed relationship or something getting there, a good way to indicate you care is to show you want some type of daily contact with me–video chat, text, phone call, actual date or hanging out, whatever. If you only call me every week or two, I’ll assume you’re not that into me.
    • Ask your partner to reach out to me. I love being welcomed into an existing relationship; it can start to feel like family to me. If you’re in an existing relationship, ask your partner to chat with me, reach out to and welcome me. I’ve had far too many metamours who ignore or tolerate me turn out to be hiding insecurities and resentment and causing considerable damage, both to me and to their existing relationships. If she can muster up a nice, warm welcome or at least a friendly chat, these fears will quickly be allayed. If she can’t, I’ll quickly bow out.
    • Be there for me in case of illness or emergency. Remember, I don’t have a family to call on for these things; I take cabs to the emergency room and have no one to bring me soup when I’m sick. So if you can be there when I’ve been in a car accident, need to go for some awful medical procedure, or just am not feeling well, it will help me to feel like I can depend on you. And there really aren’t too many people I actually depend on, so this is a big deal for me. This is a GREAT way to build trust with me.
    • Call me with stuff you think is funny/happy. I’ve developed an aversion to people with tremendous drama in their lives, and one of the things I’ve grown to appreciate is a partner who will share joy, not just pain. Making me smile or laugh is a great skill.
    • Be willing to cry in front of me. I’m touched when someone trusts me enough to cry in front of me. Show me your vulnerability, and I’ll show you mine. And not that many people get to see it. It’s lovely.
    • Be willing to say “I was wrong” or, even better, “I was an idiot.” Have you ever been friends with or dated someone who was never wrong? I have a very low tolerance for this. I’m wrong all the time, myself, and I’m not above admitting I was an idiot. In fact, I’m usually the first to apologize. Admitting you were wrong with humility and without defensiveness is a huge turn-on for me. Not being able to do this is a deal-breaker.
    • Be willing to stand your ground when you believe I am being an idiot. Here’s the key to being with me: I just want to be understood. I don’t even need to be right most of the time; I just need to be understood. If you think I’m being an idiot or that I’m just plain wrong, ask me, “Minx, what’s going on with you?” Listen to me, even if I’m ranting. Chances are that once I think you understand my point of view, I’ll figure out that you’re right on quite a few of your main points.
    • Hold me when I cry. I still can’t believe some people need to be told this, but for goddess’ sake, hold me when I cry. Don’t try to reason with me, and for fuck’s sake, don’t try to fix me. Just hold me. For much of my life, there is no one there, and I cry alone a lot. Just being there to hold me is all I need. Making me laugh gets you bonus points.
    • Tell/show me you like me for who I am, not just for my hot ass and not just because I’m Minx. I’m really proud of my work, and I’m a pretty cool chick to boot. And I’m proud of my hot ass, too. But ever since I was a kid, in my more vulnerable moments, I’ve always feared that no one will love me for who I am. So if you show an interest in getting to know all of me, not just the fun bits, I’ll be really grateful, and it will help build trust. I’ll like you for being there for the hot bits, and I’ll love you if you stick around for the boring, messy, weak or unflattering bits, too.

    Sexually: Flirting

    • Quote my favorite movie, The Princess Bride–I can never resist that. And not just the well-known quotes; use the obscure ones, too.
    • Fix my computer/server issues. I’m a total geek groupie and love a man who can fix my computer or my darn WiFi router.
    • Wear a kilt and poufy shirt. I discovered Renaissance faires when I was about 20, and I quickly figured out that was the bawdy, pseudo-British type of sexuality I would embrace. I melt for a man in a kilt who kisses my hand and calls me “m’lady,” then whispers much naughtier things in my ears. danellyn can back me up on this.
    • Take me to dinner. I tend to date guys with more modest incomes, so going out to a quiet dinner is a big treat for me. Letting me dress up a bit in something pretty is even better–with the kinky life I lead, I rarely get to wear cute, pretty dresses; it’s always leather, latex and chains! I love those, too, but balance is nice.
    • Rub my shoulders, and don’t be stingy with the pressure. Show me you have nice, strong hands and aren’t afraid of all the tension I keep in these tiny shoulders.
    • Make dinner for me. A guy did this for me once this year, and I was so touched; I can’t remember the last time a guy cooked for me.
    • Options for Minx-friendly dates: coffee shops, ice cream, Broadway musicals, swing or salsa dancing, wine bar.
    • If your budget allows, take me to a strip club. I LOVE lap dances, and you will, too! If the club allows, let me sit in your lap while the stripper is dancing in mine.
    • I have a lot of interests, not just sex, poly and kink. If you love to cook, I would love someone to cook an elaborate dinner with. If you are into interior design/home renovation, I’d love someone to brainstorm and carry out home improvement projects with. If you dance, I’d love someone to hone my dance skills with. If you travel, I’d love someone to go on vanilla trips with–sightseeing in Europe, relaxing on the beach in Mexico, exploring Tibet. Love wine? I love going to wine bars and trying a flight with complimentary cheeses.
    • NOTE: I’m a light weight; it takes half a glass of wine for me to feel a buzz, and two drinks is my absolute limit. If I have two drinks, I’ll probably be in pain the next day. I do love a good glass of wine or champagne, though.
    • Due to years of medicine, I tend to tire early, usually by 10:00 or 11:00. If you can offer to drive and see me home so I don’t have to worry about getting home safely, that would be great. If you can tuck me in, I will melt in your arms.

    Sexually: Sex

    • I have lost the capacity for casual sex at this particular point in my life. (See below for my definition of “sex.”) While I enjoy scening with my friends and can be an outrageous flirt and exhibitionist, I only have sex with people I know and trust. If that person has additional partners, I have to know and trust them, too. And I get attached to people I have sex with. So you see why I don’t really do the casual sex thing at this point–it can get a bit complicated. At the moment, I reserve sex for someone that I am free to feel attached to and who is willing to open up his partners and their sexual and emotional history to me as well.
    • What is sex to me? This is a great question to ask anyone you’re seeing—everyone has a different definition! To me, in general, sex is anything that I am most likely to get an STI from: vaginal or anal penetration or oral sex. (Remember, I have an autoimmune disorder, so I need to be more careful than your average bear.) Also, I separate BDSM scening and sex; kink for me does not necessarily involve sex or sexual contact (although it can, with a trusted partner—and that is awesome when it happens!). Since it tends to take me a while to trust a partner enough to indulge in sex, a common intermediate step for me is bukkake.
    • People often ask me what I’m into sexually. And in truth, the answer is, “It depends.” There are a few activities I know I enjoy, to be sure. I’ve discovered, though, that it’s often not the activity; it’s the dynamic between the people and their respective levels of enthusiasm for and skill at the activity that matters. If you do something really well or have some special skill or kink, just let me know. Even if it’s not my favorite thing now, it might be with you. And my favorite thing now might not be all that great with you. Let’s just see what we’re into together, shall we? That being said…

    Turn ons (with consent):

    • Grab the hair at the roots at the back of my neck. This is a trigger for me.
    • Tell me what you want to make me do. This isn’t a negotiation, but it simply turns me on to hear the guy’s sadistic, selfish desires of overpowering or controlling me. (If we get along, a consensual scene can be negotiated later.)
    • Gag me and throw me on the bed. Or wrestling mat. Whatever. (With consent, after negotiation.)
    • Give me a deep tissue massage so deep it makes me cry–this can be a great segue into kinky sex. Or just sex. There is something about that kind of pain that can turn me on.
    • Tell me a dirty story of coercion. I love asking for a dirty story, which will likely turn me on more than anything physical you could do to me. Engage my brain and imagination, and I’ll think you’re special.
    • Watch porn with me. Not boring straight porn. Gay, gang-bang or facial porn.
    • Give me oodles of aftercare. Cover me with a blanket and hold me. I love to hear how much I took and how proud you are of me.
    • Make sure I get home safely, and call me the next day to connect.

    Turn offs:

    • Insulting your former partners. Guys who describe their ex-wives as “crazy” or say bad things about them are an immediate “no” for me.
    • Lack of communication. I am a sapiosexual, so if you can’t talk to me (or your partners can’t), we probably won’t go anywhere.
    • Being too popular/high turnover. Guys with five or more partners or high partner turnover will probably find dating me challenging, since I need  to take the time to get to know my metamours.
    • Dating too young. Guys in my age range who are dating in the 18-21 range tend to enjoy either the drama or glib dependence of youth, and I have a low tolerance for both.
    • Not getting tested. Not being willing to wear protection and not getting tested regularly for STIs are hard limits for me. And not just AIDS, full blood tests for everything.

    Originally published at Polyamory Weekly. Please leave any comments there.

     
     
     
    polyweekly
    18 April 2011 @ 11:33 pm

    Jessica Karels of Young Metro Poly

    What’s up with the young modern poly movement: interview with Jessica Karels

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    Introduction and host chat

    Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter or Facebook, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

    Announcements

    • Shoutout from Mako Allen of the new Big Little podcast on age play
    • Seeking pregnant poly women for cable documentary: IPA2Casting@sirensmedia.com – Call Poly Media Association before you go!
    • Casting company seeking “those who feel comfortable sharing personal and sexual details of their relationship lives—including their fears, secrets, unmet needs, and the ways in which they connect & disconnect in relationships.” Send name, age, occupation, brief bio, relationship goals, contact information to relationshipcasting2011@gmail.com (and call the Poly Media Association first!)

    Interview: Jessica Karels of Modern Poly

    Feedback

    Raven wrote in regarding episode 266 on Charlie Sheen’s polyamory and another listener gave another insight to the reality show Sister Wives from the same episode

    Wrap-up

    Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

    Originally published at Polyamory Weekly. Please leave any comments there.

     
     
     
    polyweekly

    Elisabeth Sheff, GSU Dept of Sociology

    Latest research on poly families with groundbreaking sociologist Elisabeth Sheff

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    Introduction and host chat

    Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter or Facebook, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

    Announcements

    • Back from MomentumCon in D.C. Great to meet…
    • Seeking pregnant poly women for cable documentary: IPA2Casting@sirensmedia.com – Call Poly Media Association before you go!
    • Casting company seeking “those who feel comfortable sharing personal and sexual details of their relationship lives—including their fears, secrets, unmet needs, and the ways in which they connect & disconnect in relationships.” Send name, age, occupation, brief bio, relationship goals, contact information to relationshipcasting2011@gmail.com (and call the Poly Media Association first!)

    Interview: Elisabeth Sheff, sociologist

    Elisabeth Sheff talks about her groundbreaking research  at Atlanta Poly Weekend with sociology of poly families. And she needs help! If you have children in a poly environment to be interviewed for her study, please contact her via email at esheff@gsu.edu or her site or call her at 404-413-6522.

    You can also help with an internet survey supported by CARAS—link to come.

    Wrap-up

    Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

    Originally published at Polyamory Weekly. Please leave any comments there.

     
     
     
    polyweekly
    07 April 2011 @ 10:03 pm

    Cunning Minx, Anita Wagner, Brian Ballard, Mia Martina

    Back from the flurry of sex-positive fun that was MomentumCon, and there are just too many good vibes to squish into one blog post. Fortunately for you, I’m home sick with something I’m convinced was given to me by a friend I had lunch with just before leaving for the con. (Yes, I now need to beat him up as promised.)

    If you’ve never been to MomentumCon (and you probably haven’t, since it was the first one, although if you’ve been to Sex 2.0, you’ll know what I’m talking about), you should go for one very good reason: you will fit in. Kinky? Great; there are sessions on kink. Vanilla? No problem; there are no kink-specific parties, so you won’t be left out. Sex worker? Perfect; there are always sessions on how to be, support or even date sex workers. Sex Geek? Oh, you’ll be right at home. Gender queer blogger? There’s a session for you, and you’ll meet a dozen others like you. Poly activist? You’ll love the sessions on poly and the poly-friendly atmosphere. Monogamous? No worries; enjoy the sessions on tantric sex or chat with a porn star.  New media geek? Oh, honey, have we got sessions for you: panels, sessions and a Twitter stream to die for. Into burlesque, stripping, erotica, podcasting, masturbation, racial issues, identity issues? MomentumCon has got it.

    In short, this is a con for whatever “sex-positive” means to you. This is a con that crosses identities, and it does it very well.

    Want to know more?

    • For a taste of what the con is like, take a peek at my pictures from MomentumCon.
    • The slide deck from my own talk on Personal Branding for the Sex-Positive Educator. I’ve been asked to give this talk at several events, and I’m thrilled it always goes over so well!
    • Also, keep an eye on the podcast stream, as I’ll be posting the audio from my own talk as well as the audio from the podcasting panel.

    And a big shout out to Tess Danesi and Dee Dennis for putting together such an astounding event. The presenters and attendees alike were raving about it, and with good reason. This is a good one, folks.

    Originally published at Polyamory Weekly. Please leave any comments there.

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